


The Snake Fic

by geeisajacketslut, HowToVocaloid



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), youtube - Fandom
Genre: Anal Sex, Crack Fic, Dark, Death, How do I tag crack fics without spoiling everything, Humor, M/M, Memes, Murder, Pain Kink, Phan - Freeform, Sex, Smut, Snakes, THIS WHOLE THING IS A JOKE I SWEAR IM OKAY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:13:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7769779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geeisajacketslut/pseuds/geeisajacketslut, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HowToVocaloid/pseuds/HowToVocaloid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~Dan never went on blind dates. But he was lonely and it had been 165 days since he had hooked up with anyone beside his left hand. </p><p>He sat at the bar, some random gay bar in Manchester that had a bunch of ugly pole dancers. He was set to meet up with some guy. His name was Phil Lester and he enjoyed long walks to the grocery store and playing Mario Kart. ~</p><p> </p><p>Dan is lonely. Phil has a snake-dick.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Snake Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Unrealistic fiction. Please do not send this to Dan and Phil. Respect their boundaries. You do not want to make them uncomfortable. 
> 
> This starts out really silly and weird but it gets really dark. I’m cracking up because this is my first time writing smut and it’s in a fucking crack fic. 
> 
> TW: Pain, Blood, Rape/Non-Con, Vomiting, Snakes, References to bugs, Major Character Death

Dan never went on blind dates. But he was lonely and it had been 165 days since he had hooked up with anyone beside his left hand. His last blind date had gone poorly. The guy wouldn’t stop touching him and stroking his arm hair for 37hrs until Dan called 999.

 

He sat at the bar, some random gay bar in Manchester that had a bunch of ugly pole dancers. He was set to meet up with some guy he met on “Emo Twinks” some emo gay version of Tinder. His name was Phil Lester and he enjoyed long walks to the grocery store and playing Mario Kart. 

 

  * _FLASHBACK TO LAST WEEK -_



 

_"Maybe I should try a woman," he thought as he combed through his hair with his slender fingers. “Nope, ‘m too gay.”_

 

  * _FLASHBACK OVER -_



 

Dan impatiently tapped his fingers on the dirty bar. Dust particles and stray liquids clung to his fingers. He wiped it on the woman sitting next to him. She looked at him and spat on his new Yeezy shoes.

 

“Did you know ducks don’t have birthdays?” A tall man with black hair (that made him look like a scene kid model) said to Dan.

 

“What the fuck?” Dan answered back, cringing at the tall man who kind of looked like Dan’s favorite pornstar.

 

“You’re Daniel James Howell. I’m Phil Lester. We got matched on Emo Twinks, remember?” Phil told Dan. Dan looked confused.

 

“You don’t look the same as you did in your profile picture.” Dan explained. Phil laughed.

 

“That’s because I used seventeen VSCO Cam filters.” Phil whispered into Dan’s ear, then proceeded to bite it.

 

“Why are you biting my ear?” Dan inquired. Phil chuckled a bit. It echoed in Dan’s ear.

 

“It tastes like pudding.” Phil whispered. 

 

_“I crashed my car into a pudding truck 3 months ago…”_ Dan thought to himself.

 

"Maybe I should find some gold," Phil sensually whispered as he swirled his tongue around Dan's ear. 

 

"I'll shower you in it," Dan said as he smirked into Phil's shoulder. He shook his ear onto Phil and mountains of chocolate pudding spilled onto the bar.

 

“Let’s take this to my house.” Dan shouted, bragging to the entire bar that he could get dick. Four men started crying. Dan laughed at their misery. 

 

He left a trail of chocolate pudding as he sashayed out of the bar.

 

~~~

 

"It's so huge.” Phil said as he sat on Dan’s bed. 

 

 "I know.” Dan boasted.

 

"WHERE DID YOU GET ALL OF THESE FIGURINES?” Phil shouted. Dan’s window was open. A couple across the street shrieked and closed their window. 

 

"WELL, YOU SEE..." Dan went on to explain his anime obsession for three continuous hours. 

 

~~~

 

Soon it was late. The date was going well, until it wasn’t.

 

The two of them wanted to get started on their adventurous night. Phil began to unbutton his pants. Dan was wearing pull-away clothes. He ripped off this whole outfit in .5 seconds.

 

"When'd you get that six pack?” Phil drooled at Dan.

 

 

"Oh, this?” Dan then pulled out a six pack of Capri Sun from behind him. "What better way to set the mood than with a...fruity taste…?"

 

“Ohhhh, Dan!” Phil moaned as he sipped an entire Capri Sun packet in 14 seconds.

 

“Let’s get to the real party!” Dan all of a sudden whipped out his dick. Phil choked on his Capri Sun straw.

 

"That's...amazing... But why the fuck does it remind me of an ostrich?” Phil said. Dan’s mouth turned into an O.

 

 

“O-M-G! THAT’S WHAT THE LAST GUY SAID! IT’S A DISEASE! OSTRICH DICK RUNS IN THE FAMILY!” Dan yelled. A mirror shattered at the sight of Dan’s ostrich dick. That was the 7th mirror shattered…that week.

 

“Well, do you wanna see mine?” Dan nodded. Phil slowly unzipped his pants to reveal a snake. Dan gasped. 

 

“I-it’s new.” Dan whispered. Phil frowned.

 

“Do you not like it?” Phil growled. Dan furiously shook his head. He wanted Phil’s acceptance. He also wanted a date to bring to his 10yr middle school reunion. 

 

“I never said I hated it.” Dan told Phil. Phil tackled Dan and began to give him multiple hickeys. After he gave Dan 16 of them, it looked like Dan was attacked by leaches.

 

“Let’s begin.” Phil said as he slowly stroked his snake-dick. 

 

~~~

 

His dick began to hiss. Dan slowly backed away. Phil’s finger pointed furiously back to the bed. Dan obeyed. He crawled onto bed. 

 

“T-touch it.” Phil whispered into Dan’s sticky pudding ear. Dan nodded. He reached out to lightly touch the snake’s back. It slid around Dan’s hand. Dan moaned and immediately covered his mouth, blushing furiously. Dan quickly stroked the snake, ignoring its fangs biting into his flesh.

 

“I like it when you’re loud.” Phil moaned. “You’re only gonna get louder. It’s gonna feel so tight and nice in your ass.” The snake suddenly bit down _hard_ on Dan’s hand, drawing a lot of blood.

 

“Oh shit waddup. I’m bleeding!” Dan yelled. Phil laughed at his pain. 

 

“It’ll get better with time. Don’t worry, there’s only a 96.9% chance you’ll bleed out.” Phil threw Dan over the bed, laying him on his stomach, and shoved his snake dick hard into Dan’s ass. The snake bit down on the inside of Dan’s ass and he yelped out in pain.

 

“Some hard drugs would help the pain.” Phil told Dan. Dan wasn’t into doing hard drugs but anything would be better than this at this point. He nodded his head in response to Phil.

 

“Too bad I don’t have any on me.” Phil shouted as he thrust harder into Dan. Dan felt hot tears running down his cheeks. The snake was wriggling around in his ass, stretching everything out. Suddenly its fangs slammed right into his prostate. He shouted out in pain. He felt blood seeping out and he gasped. He regretted saying that he didn’t hate it because oh boy, he hated it.

 

Phil orgasmed fast and pulled his snake-dick out of Dan. Dan flopped back onto the bed, writhing in pain. He saw Phil standing over him. He quickly hid under the blankets, as if they could protect him.

 

“Oh Danny boy, I didn’t say we were finished. Why are you hiding?” Phil said in a menacing voice. Dan sputtered, trying to find words, but failed. Phil ripped the blanket off Dan. 

 

“John Cena wouldn’t treat me like this.” Dan pouted. He knew it wasn’t time for jokes, but he had to. 

 

“What a shame that I’m not John Cena. Hashtag ‘Dicks out for Harambe’. That means you Dan. Let’s keep going.” Phil flipped Dan over so he was on his stomach once again. Dan groaned. Phil pushed his snake dick back in and Dan took a big breath in. If he focused on other stuff, then the pain was 1% less painful. 

 

_“I feel so sick I’m green like Pepe.”_ Dan thought to himself. He prayed to every God he knew that this would be over. Dan saw his phone on the table. Phil was busy thrusting in to notice Dan attempting to grab it. 

 

Dan quickly grabbed it. He turned it to vibrate so Phil wouldn’t hear anything. Phil was busy leaving scratches and leach-sized hickeys to notice Dan texting Louise. He had never typed faster before

 

**To: Louise Pentland**

 

Qick Louise call 999 theres’s a snake in my asss

 

**To: Dan Howell, from Louise Pentland**

 

Silly Dan, how much did you drink tonight? Hope you’re having fun! Xoxo

 

**To: Louise Pentland**

 

Louis eplease I’m sober 

 

I swearvLoyise I need help I’m just typing fast

 

999 now 

 

Call 999. Please I’m tra

 

Phil slapped the phone out of Dan’s hand. When it hit the wall, luckily it pressed send.  He could feel the snake trying to get out of his ass. It squirmed and its teeth left scratches and marks on the walls inside him. Phil just pushed in harder. Dan threw up from the tremendous amount of pain he was in. 

 

Dan could hear his phone vibrating from across the room. He prayed it was Louise, and that she was worrying enough to call 999. 

 

“Oh Dan, why would you want our magical night to end?” He pulled his snake-dick out of Dan’s ass and pushed it into Dan’s face. Its fangs left scratches down his cheeks. Out of the corners of his eyes he could see blood. He grew dizzy and passed out. 

 

~~~

 

Dan woke up four hours later in the hospital. He had endless tubes hooked up to him. Louise stood over his bed crying. Dan could feel dried blood and tears on his face. Everything hurt, but at the same time he was so numb he felt nothing at all. 

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. The police had to break your door down. They found Phil trying to kill you. He had attached the snake to your neck. He’s in jail. They shot him in the arm. Your family will be here soon. Are you okay?” Louise whispered. Dan stared straight ahead, barely comprehending anything she had said. He could only replay that night’s tragic events. 

 

“I cannot feel anything at all.” And with that, Dan died. As he died, he could hear Phil’s laugh echoing in his ears. 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Don't kill me please
> 
> TUMBLR: @Queen-Of-The-Otps  
> WATTPAD (to message me): @BeTheGerardToMyFrank  
> QUOTEV: @Geeisajacketslxt
> 
> THANK YOU FOR @HOWTOVOCALOID FOR HELPING ME WITH THE BASIC IDEA THANKS GIL


End file.
